Chapter Six: Looking within, what do I do next in life?

It’s been almost two years since I came to USA. Lately, I have been feeling lonely as never before. I came here so that I could see a new country but also to escape questions from family members and friends back in India about my single status. This new surroundings does bring me in a new situation. I go to each social gathering alone. Back in India, at least I would have my sister or brother or somebody to talk to at such places. But now I am alone. Alone, alone, alone. So there is no escape from this fact that I am single.

In this country, I am told it is easy to find a partner. I can see in malls, in eating-places everywhere couples and more couples, holding hands and laughing to glory. I notice this more so as I am completely consumed by this question of finding a guy. Any other person walking in the same place as I do will feel
"Oh! There are people all around" or

"Look, how loud they are" or

"what a dress to wear”.

But I see only couples, couples and more couples everywhere I go. There are several dating sites one can take help from. Then for Indian girls with my mindset, there are matrimonial sites as well.

I started by putting my profile in such a matrimonial site. And I did get some response. In most of the case, there were a couple of emails back and forth and then a complete silence. But I did speak to one of the guys on telephone. But after a couple of calls, he lost his job and that was the end of the conversation. So what am I missing? I believe all and each one of us can live happily and get what she or he wants. And then a desire and yearning for company in my case having a male partner is very natural. So where do I make mistakes in communicating with others that I am single and remain so, when many others around me are happy with their life partners.

As I search for my life partner, I would also like to express my feelings and longings to him with an sincere hope that he is going to read these words.These letters are directed to a fictitious character. This is a projection of my imagination. I am visualizing a future time in my life when I would be writing such mails. If you find this spooky close the page now.

Obviously this person does not know I have been writing these letters to him. As I myself do not know this point of time who this person is. Right now he is in my imagination only. Hope to meet him soon in person. I use the word Prakash for this person. Prakash symbolizes light. Light gives hope.

Dear Prakash,

Today is the 26th of December, the day after Christmas. I hope you received the Christmas card I sent you. It’s a green color card with a golden heart figure in center. And it goes "Forever forever forever... yours". Did you like it?

I hope you did. I loved the dresses you sent for me, especially the pink top. Now that is the color I like most apart from blue and white. Also the fragrance of the perfume is lovely. I hope you did not spend a fortune on those gifts. But the best gift you could give me is to be with me. You know that. Don't you? I think you know how I long to be with you. And I guess you would want to be with me as well. You have mentioned this so many times. But still I will keep reminding you that the best present ever for me is your presence.

Nothing can be as wonderful as to hear your voice in person and not just on the telephone. I love your voice and when you whisper something in my ears, which make me nervous and excited both at the same time. So hope hearing from you soon.

Today is the 30th of December and I write these lines, there is this overwhelming blanket of loneliness over me. The day is gloomy and your absence makes it even worse. I can't wait to see you soon. Each day that passes by makes the wait even harder to bear and even harder to be still waiting. Hope you share the same sentiment as me.

How you go by in your world is not comprehensible to me. How you can go in this world and not return soon is beyond my imagination. As I write each line, my heart pours and oozes love from each pore of my body. And I sincerely believe that these emotions will reach you. They will surround you, envelope you and give these heart felt messages of love affection and eternal bonds. You cannot be far away from me right now. No barrier, no mountain, no seas can hold you away from me. As my emotions run so powerfully across the entire universe that it’s very natural, obvious and destined to reach you. And you are going to respond to me soon.

This is 10th of January 2005. A friend told me that in case I have not received my present, I should assume its being wrapped for me. So I take his words for granted and am assuming that my present is in the process of being delivered to me. You can see the smile on my face. My face lights up with an anticipation of our future together. Hmm and now I have a "Hugs and kisses" heart shaped pillow for you. Also there are some stuffed toys. These are gifts I brought for myself and you for this Valentine's Day.

Hey!!! Prakash. So what you like to do apart from your work I meant? Love to drive or watch football or movies. Do you play a game may be tennis or some other game. I am just planning our first dates so was checking your interests. May be we can travel to mountains where the hilltops meet the sky and in the moon light the stars seem hanging right on top of your heads like lamps lit on a Diwali day. Have you been to a place where the sky is so clear that you can actually see each cloud, each star and the air so pure that you can smell the pine trees just walking past by? The only sound you hear is of your foot steps, the happy chirping of birds as they find food for them selves and their tiny tots and while they build their dainty nests. The serenity of the surroundings never disturbed over the years and the crystal clear water flowing making the sweet gurgling noises. The water as clear as one could see the tiniest pebbles in the bed of the river. May be we can live in the tent and awake to the waking calls of the birds when they leave home to get food for the next day. When we open our eyes we see the sun shines like a million candles lit up those give us that silky and likeable warmth. Even a day in such place would seem like being in heaven for year and of course we will have each other for company. That will be the icing on the cake for sure. Hope you like the date. Waiting for you

Lovingly,
Anu