The mist is thicker than the air. Air is grounded and mist is freely blowing all over the place. Fall colors and warmth have evaporated and given way to the chilly winds for past few weeks. As I look out of my bedroom window, the room seems to extend in a blanket of white. The white extends all-around reaches the sky, reaches the next hill which is usually seen form my room and beyond. Few trees which are barely visible have shed leaves and are anticipating the shower of frost and snow any day now. These are the last days of November and winter is fast approaching in Philadelphia.
This is the city which welcomed me in some similar circumstances when I first landed here. But this atmosphere is in stark contrast with my desires and hope for the future that I brought with me when I came here. The desires and hope are alive and have grown stronger in this period. My desire, hope and determination give me the strength each day to wake up and face the world and what it throws toward me with a smile. And as far as I know I am doing well.
I am among the millions who came to this country as skilled software professionals and work here to find better standards of living. This idea holds in my heart that surviving here and working here means that I am doing better in my life and career. Everyone knows that there is price to pay to travel to a foreign country. In my case, I live alone speak to my siblings and father once a week. But this is way of living the big American Dream. I don’t feel any need to justify my decision to come to America in one way or the other. This is my life and I have been living as I thought would be correct.
Many Indians come to this land of opportunity looking for a better life. The lure of western world is overwhelming. Its not just the money which is alluring but the fact that one will be able to escape the not so likable circumstances is more fascinating. America attracts people for its prosperity and wealth. Not to mention the quality of life here is far better than in the circumstances I was born. By quality of life I mean, the material comforts are available here that are not so freely available there in India. These comparisons are no more valid as situation in India is changing fast and for the better. India has been making progress in each area and especially in technology. But even then Indians keep coming here. And most of the Indians are software professionals.
Indian culture dates back to about 10,000 BC. Growing up I hear stories how our nation was a strong and rich country. Rich not only in resources like silk, gold and other minerals, but also culturally great. Indian scriptures take us back to thousands to centuries before Christ was born. The Vedas, Upanishads and of course Bhagwad Geeta have tons of knowledge in many different subjects like math, geography, metaphysics, astronomy, astrology and every other aspect of day to day living. But as it happens to every culture there is a rise and then decline, so it happened with India too. Infighting among various groups and other discrepancies crept in the fabric of society and India declined to an impoverished country. So much so that India was a colony of British till 1947. But after independence, there has been slow and steady progress. Population and corruption are two major hurdles in growth of India. And many Indians aspire to somehow escape from this under developed place and head towards more prosperous places.
Most of us return after a stay of some years. For some surviving here for few months is also difficult. The first thing that one confronts is the cultural shock. If you have not actually felt this shock, then you know what I am talking about. The moral values, attitude of people toward life and work are completely different. I am learning about these differences and the innate similarity that we all are human beings no matter from which part of the word we belong. The faith in my abilities and a profound hope for a better future hold me through this journey.
Coming to a new country is a unique experience. This has been a learning process and I believe this has made me grow as a person. I am aware that many have been in similar situations and have documented their versions of experiences. Nonetheless, I wish to share my experience as well. I think each living person is unique and so every experience is worth a story. I will try to narrate this story in an interesting way.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Chapter One: Arriving with snow and storm
I had been planning my trip to USA. My office was sending me to their US office and they had applied for my visa. The process took a few months. I was thrilled to get the required documents when the visa was approved. Then I visited the US consulate in New Delhi to get my passport ready for travel. After my passport got stamped, I went on a shopping spree. I was mainly looking for western clothes to take with me. Clothes like tops, jeans, trousers, skirts and such other stuff. While buying, I realized that buying western outfit is difficult. It is not as easy as to buy a ready-made salwar, kameez. There are sizes, fits, cuts and washes. This was my first attempt to buy and wear such clothes so I found buying western outfits very difficult. After many efforts finally I found something I could wear and I bought it. The other obstacle was to actually wear them in public. I had never worn a frock or dress after say I was five years old. So wearing the body clinging top and jeans (my first denim) certainly took some heroic effort on my part. But I did it anyway.
Next step was to get a proper hair cut. I got rid of my ponytail and cut hair short. I wanted to look like Princess Diana in short hair. Sadly I looked like Anu in short curly black hair. I also bought huge boxes to carry all these stuff to US of A. Then finally the time came when I had to bid good-byes to all my dear ones. It was a happy sad moment. I hope you understand what I mean. I was off to a maiden voyage in an airplane. And after eighteen hours of flight I landed at Philadelphia Airport. The airport seemed like a huge blanket of white when I peeped out of the window from the descending aero plane. I thought it was normal to snow like this in mid February in Philly. It was snowing heavily. My flight was the last to land on the airport. It was snowstorm day. My colleagues who had come to pick me up seemed like they had arrived from North Pole. They were wearing heavy jackets and shoes. I had expected people from US would be wearing normal sweaters as they are used to this snow. It was like a movie to me. But actually wading in the snow and feeling the chill outside the airport, I realized why each one was wearing what they were wearing. My colleague could hardly maneuver his car in the snow though he had been in Philadelphia for fourteen long years. And after a fun ride (for me), we reached his house. In fact the entire area was shut down. 17th February 2003, the day I landed in Philadelphia, the city received two feet’s snows, a record. An emergency was declared in the area.
The drive from the airport in late evening was exciting for me. I had small chat with Viji and Varun wife and son of my colleague Siva with whom I was staying. Viji prepared dinner and I was happy to eat Indian food. I went to bed after that. My room had a big glass window and I could see snow falling. It is a beautiful sight to see snowfall. Flakes of whites just drift slowly in the wind and slowly settle on piles of white below. As I said before it was snowing heavily the day I landed, the next day all the areas surrounding Philly were covered with at least two feet snow. Some cars could not be seen and seemed like small hillocks of snow all covered with white grainy powder. In the morning I woke up and got ready for office. Siva was busy shoveling the snow in the driveway. Snow collected in all possible roads and it was difficult to take the car out of the garage. Finally after much struggles with ploughs and snow, we were off to office. Main roads were clean, as the county people had cleaned the roads. As we approached the office, I was curious to see the office building and the entrance. To enter office, I had to be very patient and careful as one had to walk through three feet of snow. Nobody was in office and the driveway of the office was loaded with tons of snow. Walking through waist length snow I entered the office. My colleague and I were the only employees there. Others called afterwards to say that they won’t be able to get to office because of snow. After about an hour another colleague Gandhar joined us and finally our boss stepped in. Siva was busy with lots of work and I wondered what to do. I had little work to do. The setup in this new office was different.
Soon enough it was lunch time. Our boss decided that we would have lunch in office. Gandhar brought in some food. He had a difficult tome finding a shop open. All food outlets and malls were closed. I was hungry and cold. So I looked forward to eating the sandwich. When I opened the packet, I was disappointed as it some bunch of lettuce and tomatoes with white bread on top. I had imagined a warm sandwich with butter and mashed potatoes. I ate that cold thing and was back to work. Siva, Gandhar and my boss kept working on some project, which had to be delivered the very next day. I kept looking at some report application. Half the time I felt sleepy. At other time I was tired and bored. The sight of those mountains of snow outside the office kept me awake. The project needed some finishing touches. But the small touches were complete only by midnight when we drove back to Siva’s place. This was the beginning of a busy work schedule I have here in USA
My second working day was not much eventful, except that I filled in some medical insurance forms. Later in that week, all my colleagues decided that we go out for lunch. One of us leaving and we wanted to buy him lunch. So off we went to a Thai restaurant. Snow was still all around but it was clearing up. All of us were seated around a round table. The table was neatly decorated with some flowers in the center. The atmosphere inside the restaurant was peaceful and friendly. Monica, who was sitting next to me, began talking to me. I told here I felt cold in the snow.
Monica said “How is Daram’s sister?”
I said “ I beg your pardon”.
Monica said again “how is Daram’s sister.”
I gave up. I was embarrassed to ask again. I could not figure out what she wanted to know. Siva, who was sitting close by helped me and said that Monica wanted to know “how Dharam’s sister is?”. I realized I had to get used to a different accent in this new office. Monica is a very gentle and kindhearted lady. After that day onwards she and I became very close friends. The first course of the lunch was being served. I expected to have a very hot soup. I had pictured that the soup would be creamy, spicy and full of all herbs that the menu mentioned. The soup bowl, which I got, was a far cry from my imagination. The soup looked like somebody had poured boiling water on some leaves and served in a bowl. The same was true for the next course. I could hardly eat anything. I kept sipping the ice-cold water that was served. I was not happy paying the money that I had to pay for such an awful meal. But soon I was to realize that this would be the kind of food I can expect in any restaurant. The food here is devoid of any spices and fragrance, which are essential part of Indian food. There was no time to eat a desert in the restaurant. So Monica picked up a cake from a nearby grocery store. The cake was the best part of the lunch I had that day. Dori did not like the cake, as it was too much of the pineapple. But for me it was a delicious thing to be enjoyed after a bad lunch.
Next step was to get a proper hair cut. I got rid of my ponytail and cut hair short. I wanted to look like Princess Diana in short hair. Sadly I looked like Anu in short curly black hair. I also bought huge boxes to carry all these stuff to US of A. Then finally the time came when I had to bid good-byes to all my dear ones. It was a happy sad moment. I hope you understand what I mean. I was off to a maiden voyage in an airplane. And after eighteen hours of flight I landed at Philadelphia Airport. The airport seemed like a huge blanket of white when I peeped out of the window from the descending aero plane. I thought it was normal to snow like this in mid February in Philly. It was snowing heavily. My flight was the last to land on the airport. It was snowstorm day. My colleagues who had come to pick me up seemed like they had arrived from North Pole. They were wearing heavy jackets and shoes. I had expected people from US would be wearing normal sweaters as they are used to this snow. It was like a movie to me. But actually wading in the snow and feeling the chill outside the airport, I realized why each one was wearing what they were wearing. My colleague could hardly maneuver his car in the snow though he had been in Philadelphia for fourteen long years. And after a fun ride (for me), we reached his house. In fact the entire area was shut down. 17th February 2003, the day I landed in Philadelphia, the city received two feet’s snows, a record. An emergency was declared in the area.
The drive from the airport in late evening was exciting for me. I had small chat with Viji and Varun wife and son of my colleague Siva with whom I was staying. Viji prepared dinner and I was happy to eat Indian food. I went to bed after that. My room had a big glass window and I could see snow falling. It is a beautiful sight to see snowfall. Flakes of whites just drift slowly in the wind and slowly settle on piles of white below. As I said before it was snowing heavily the day I landed, the next day all the areas surrounding Philly were covered with at least two feet snow. Some cars could not be seen and seemed like small hillocks of snow all covered with white grainy powder. In the morning I woke up and got ready for office. Siva was busy shoveling the snow in the driveway. Snow collected in all possible roads and it was difficult to take the car out of the garage. Finally after much struggles with ploughs and snow, we were off to office. Main roads were clean, as the county people had cleaned the roads. As we approached the office, I was curious to see the office building and the entrance. To enter office, I had to be very patient and careful as one had to walk through three feet of snow. Nobody was in office and the driveway of the office was loaded with tons of snow. Walking through waist length snow I entered the office. My colleague and I were the only employees there. Others called afterwards to say that they won’t be able to get to office because of snow. After about an hour another colleague Gandhar joined us and finally our boss stepped in. Siva was busy with lots of work and I wondered what to do. I had little work to do. The setup in this new office was different.
Soon enough it was lunch time. Our boss decided that we would have lunch in office. Gandhar brought in some food. He had a difficult tome finding a shop open. All food outlets and malls were closed. I was hungry and cold. So I looked forward to eating the sandwich. When I opened the packet, I was disappointed as it some bunch of lettuce and tomatoes with white bread on top. I had imagined a warm sandwich with butter and mashed potatoes. I ate that cold thing and was back to work. Siva, Gandhar and my boss kept working on some project, which had to be delivered the very next day. I kept looking at some report application. Half the time I felt sleepy. At other time I was tired and bored. The sight of those mountains of snow outside the office kept me awake. The project needed some finishing touches. But the small touches were complete only by midnight when we drove back to Siva’s place. This was the beginning of a busy work schedule I have here in USA
My second working day was not much eventful, except that I filled in some medical insurance forms. Later in that week, all my colleagues decided that we go out for lunch. One of us leaving and we wanted to buy him lunch. So off we went to a Thai restaurant. Snow was still all around but it was clearing up. All of us were seated around a round table. The table was neatly decorated with some flowers in the center. The atmosphere inside the restaurant was peaceful and friendly. Monica, who was sitting next to me, began talking to me. I told here I felt cold in the snow.
Monica said “How is Daram’s sister?”
I said “ I beg your pardon”.
Monica said again “how is Daram’s sister.”
I gave up. I was embarrassed to ask again. I could not figure out what she wanted to know. Siva, who was sitting close by helped me and said that Monica wanted to know “how Dharam’s sister is?”. I realized I had to get used to a different accent in this new office. Monica is a very gentle and kindhearted lady. After that day onwards she and I became very close friends. The first course of the lunch was being served. I expected to have a very hot soup. I had pictured that the soup would be creamy, spicy and full of all herbs that the menu mentioned. The soup bowl, which I got, was a far cry from my imagination. The soup looked like somebody had poured boiling water on some leaves and served in a bowl. The same was true for the next course. I could hardly eat anything. I kept sipping the ice-cold water that was served. I was not happy paying the money that I had to pay for such an awful meal. But soon I was to realize that this would be the kind of food I can expect in any restaurant. The food here is devoid of any spices and fragrance, which are essential part of Indian food. There was no time to eat a desert in the restaurant. So Monica picked up a cake from a nearby grocery store. The cake was the best part of the lunch I had that day. Dori did not like the cake, as it was too much of the pineapple. But for me it was a delicious thing to be enjoyed after a bad lunch.
Chapter Two: Taking baby steps toward a new beginning
Philadelphia is a beautiful city. Complete with innumerous gardens, museums, zoos and art centers, this is a city which is known for its historical importance. Philadelphia's history dates from 1681 when the Quaker William Penn received some land near the Delaware River from King Charles II of England. Charles, as a tribute to Penn's father-who had honorably served the king as an admiral-called the parcel of land "Penn and with a nod to the woodsy beauty of the setting, the younger Penn added the suffix that made his new acquisition "Pennsylvania." Soon after, William Penn chose Philadelphia as the capital of this place that he hoped would be a center of religious and political freedom and tolerance.
Philadelphia gained a reputation as a center of trade and manufacture, which led to its becoming an important pre-revolutionary port. Penn also made sure that his city was physically well planned and organized, and laid it out in a grid system between the Delaware and Schuylkill rivers that allowed space for population growth and for public squares and a town square. Penn's planning design would become a pattern for many other American urban centers.
Philadelphia retains it’s past-not only in the form of important historical buildings, but in the richness of its neighborhoods and diverse ethnic populations. Center City the heart of modern Philadelphia is now where you'll find most of the historic sites. Other important places are the Independence National Historical Park, home of Independence Hall, with its beautiful Georgian architecture, and the Liberty Bell Pavilion. Important as the history of Philadelphia is, the rest of the city is also vibrant.
Construction of the Pennsylvania State House, which came to be known as Independence Hall, began in 1732.Independence Hall is, by every estimate, the birthplace of the United States. It was within its walls that the Declaration of Independence was adopted. It was here that the Constitution of the United States was debated, drafted and signed. That document is the oldest federal constitution in existence and was framed by a convention of delegates from 12 of the original 13 colonies. Rhode Island did not send a delegate. George Washington presided over the debate which ran from May to September 1787. The draft comprising a preamble and seven Articles was submitted to all thirteen states and was to take effect when ratified by nine states. On June 21, 1788, New Hampshire, the ninth state, approved it and it became effective in March 1789.
Tradition tells of a chime that changed the world on July 8, 1776, with the Liberty Bell ringing out from the tower of Independence Hall summoning citizens to hear the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence by Colonel John Nixon. The Pennsylvania Assembly ordered the Bell in 1751 to commemorate the 50-year anniversary of William Penn's 1701 Charter of Privileges. The Academy of Music, opened in 1857, is home to the Pennsylvania Ballet and the Opera Company of Philadelphia. The Philadelphia Orchestra is renowned for its fine artistry. One can hear them at the Kimmel Center for the Performing Arts. The Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts offers programs in classical music, jazz, and international music.
I was very impressed by the history of the city. I particularly liked the slopes and greenery which were all around. The pine trees, wood and stone houses reminded me of my native place. I belong to a hilly region in India and I could immediately relate to the vegetation, terrain and climate of the suburbs of Philadelphia where I was putting up. Fortunately for me, I found an apartment to live for while. A friend offered help and let me stay in a flat which they had vacated. This apartment complex was located amidst tall pine trees and was built on a slope. Coming down from that slope one could see a golf course. I fell in love with the beautiful surroundings. But I was more occupied with my worldly possessions rather the lack of it. I was busy gaining all materialistic objects that one needs to survive here in the city.
The only thing I could do easily was getting a bank account opened. They just needed my passport for identification. So I became a proud owner of a checking account. The important thing about checking account is that you can write checks from that account but you do not get any interest on the amount that you have in that account. Also, the checkbook is free only the first time. Next time onwards one pays to get a checkbook. But this is no big deal as I got about five hundred checks the first time sufficient to last more than a year. Next I wanted to apply for credit card. That was a big issue. I did not have a credit history. In this country you need some sort of credit history to get a credit card, cell phone and other things. Credit history builds up for any person when one pays their electricity telephone bills and credit card bills. I was living in a common friend’s apartment so I did not get the electricity bill on my name. It was the case for telephone too. So this is a catch twenty-two situation. I was facing these problems, as my employer did not help me getting a credit card. Normally businesses have relations with some banks or financial institutions so that their employees can easily get a credit card. Finally I found out that if I can get a secured credit card if I opened an account with one of the credit unions. Luckily I found a fellow Indian who had an account in such a credit union and he helped to open an account with a credit union. Secured credit card implies that I deposit a certain amount say $500 in that account, then I can get credit card which has a limit for the same amount. So after about three months I could get a credit card. I was also looking for an apartment of my own. As I mentioned earlier, I had been staying in an apartment, which belonged to a common friend. That friend had let me stay in that apartment as they moved to their house and did not want to break the lease of the rented apartment. Breaking a house lease reflects badly on your credit history. When I found an apartment, which I could afford the question of credit history, came into play. Since I had no credit history, the apartment management asked for a letter from my employer that I would be earning a decent sum. They want to find out if I can actually pay the rent each month on time. I got such a letter and then had to additionally pay a month’s rent as deposit to the apartment complex before I could sign the lease. So there I was in a new apartment and was very happy about it. This apartment was not located among woods. But the advantage of this place was that, it was near a shopping mall and a bus stop. I could even walk to the grocery store. An Indian store was also very close by.
I had applied for a social security number on the second day of my stay here. According to my understanding I would get the same in about 45-60 days. So I was eagerly waiting for my SSN. Meanwhile my employer could not pay me by check; SSN is required when you pay a check. But this is what my employer told me. But he did lend me enough money to carry for a month or so in cash. This was my first weekend by me in a new country. There was lots of snow all around. I decided to go shopping in a nearby grocery store. This store was called “Genaurdis” I could walk to this place as this was very close to my place. Inside that store I found that the store was so big and had many aisles for different things. You need milk go to the dairy aisle. You need salt go to the baking aisle. The whole experience was over whelming to me. The very fact that just to get some salt and milk, one need to go to such a huge store surprised me a lot. Back in India, I could have picked this from a very tiny shop. For first few months, I converted all prices in rupees and was amused that every thing was so expensive here. As soon I walked in the store, the warm air was welcome. I can really appreciate that all such stores are air conditioned, warm in winter and cool in summer. I walked past each aisle gazing at the stuff lined up neatly. There were tons and tons of food and fruits, cleaning stuff, vegetables, stationery and I can go on and on with the things in the store. I was not familiar with any of these brands. So I was very confused about the choices I make. But you guessed right I would see the price tags and then decide which was better for me. I saw other people filling cartloads of stuff and buying like there was a strike or holiday at the store the next day. But this is how Americans shop. They buy and consume in huge quantity. The remarkable thing that I noticed in the store was that the staff was friendly and helpful. At the end of my small shopping spree, I paid in cash as and the prices pinched me a lot. It took me a while not to convert each price tag in rupees.
Philadelphia gained a reputation as a center of trade and manufacture, which led to its becoming an important pre-revolutionary port. Penn also made sure that his city was physically well planned and organized, and laid it out in a grid system between the Delaware and Schuylkill rivers that allowed space for population growth and for public squares and a town square. Penn's planning design would become a pattern for many other American urban centers.
Philadelphia retains it’s past-not only in the form of important historical buildings, but in the richness of its neighborhoods and diverse ethnic populations. Center City the heart of modern Philadelphia is now where you'll find most of the historic sites. Other important places are the Independence National Historical Park, home of Independence Hall, with its beautiful Georgian architecture, and the Liberty Bell Pavilion. Important as the history of Philadelphia is, the rest of the city is also vibrant.
Construction of the Pennsylvania State House, which came to be known as Independence Hall, began in 1732.Independence Hall is, by every estimate, the birthplace of the United States. It was within its walls that the Declaration of Independence was adopted. It was here that the Constitution of the United States was debated, drafted and signed. That document is the oldest federal constitution in existence and was framed by a convention of delegates from 12 of the original 13 colonies. Rhode Island did not send a delegate. George Washington presided over the debate which ran from May to September 1787. The draft comprising a preamble and seven Articles was submitted to all thirteen states and was to take effect when ratified by nine states. On June 21, 1788, New Hampshire, the ninth state, approved it and it became effective in March 1789.
Tradition tells of a chime that changed the world on July 8, 1776, with the Liberty Bell ringing out from the tower of Independence Hall summoning citizens to hear the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence by Colonel John Nixon. The Pennsylvania Assembly ordered the Bell in 1751 to commemorate the 50-year anniversary of William Penn's 1701 Charter of Privileges. The Academy of Music, opened in 1857, is home to the Pennsylvania Ballet and the Opera Company of Philadelphia. The Philadelphia Orchestra is renowned for its fine artistry. One can hear them at the Kimmel Center for the Performing Arts. The Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts offers programs in classical music, jazz, and international music.
I was very impressed by the history of the city. I particularly liked the slopes and greenery which were all around. The pine trees, wood and stone houses reminded me of my native place. I belong to a hilly region in India and I could immediately relate to the vegetation, terrain and climate of the suburbs of Philadelphia where I was putting up. Fortunately for me, I found an apartment to live for while. A friend offered help and let me stay in a flat which they had vacated. This apartment complex was located amidst tall pine trees and was built on a slope. Coming down from that slope one could see a golf course. I fell in love with the beautiful surroundings. But I was more occupied with my worldly possessions rather the lack of it. I was busy gaining all materialistic objects that one needs to survive here in the city.
The only thing I could do easily was getting a bank account opened. They just needed my passport for identification. So I became a proud owner of a checking account. The important thing about checking account is that you can write checks from that account but you do not get any interest on the amount that you have in that account. Also, the checkbook is free only the first time. Next time onwards one pays to get a checkbook. But this is no big deal as I got about five hundred checks the first time sufficient to last more than a year. Next I wanted to apply for credit card. That was a big issue. I did not have a credit history. In this country you need some sort of credit history to get a credit card, cell phone and other things. Credit history builds up for any person when one pays their electricity telephone bills and credit card bills. I was living in a common friend’s apartment so I did not get the electricity bill on my name. It was the case for telephone too. So this is a catch twenty-two situation. I was facing these problems, as my employer did not help me getting a credit card. Normally businesses have relations with some banks or financial institutions so that their employees can easily get a credit card. Finally I found out that if I can get a secured credit card if I opened an account with one of the credit unions. Luckily I found a fellow Indian who had an account in such a credit union and he helped to open an account with a credit union. Secured credit card implies that I deposit a certain amount say $500 in that account, then I can get credit card which has a limit for the same amount. So after about three months I could get a credit card. I was also looking for an apartment of my own. As I mentioned earlier, I had been staying in an apartment, which belonged to a common friend. That friend had let me stay in that apartment as they moved to their house and did not want to break the lease of the rented apartment. Breaking a house lease reflects badly on your credit history. When I found an apartment, which I could afford the question of credit history, came into play. Since I had no credit history, the apartment management asked for a letter from my employer that I would be earning a decent sum. They want to find out if I can actually pay the rent each month on time. I got such a letter and then had to additionally pay a month’s rent as deposit to the apartment complex before I could sign the lease. So there I was in a new apartment and was very happy about it. This apartment was not located among woods. But the advantage of this place was that, it was near a shopping mall and a bus stop. I could even walk to the grocery store. An Indian store was also very close by.
I had applied for a social security number on the second day of my stay here. According to my understanding I would get the same in about 45-60 days. So I was eagerly waiting for my SSN. Meanwhile my employer could not pay me by check; SSN is required when you pay a check. But this is what my employer told me. But he did lend me enough money to carry for a month or so in cash. This was my first weekend by me in a new country. There was lots of snow all around. I decided to go shopping in a nearby grocery store. This store was called “Genaurdis” I could walk to this place as this was very close to my place. Inside that store I found that the store was so big and had many aisles for different things. You need milk go to the dairy aisle. You need salt go to the baking aisle. The whole experience was over whelming to me. The very fact that just to get some salt and milk, one need to go to such a huge store surprised me a lot. Back in India, I could have picked this from a very tiny shop. For first few months, I converted all prices in rupees and was amused that every thing was so expensive here. As soon I walked in the store, the warm air was welcome. I can really appreciate that all such stores are air conditioned, warm in winter and cool in summer. I walked past each aisle gazing at the stuff lined up neatly. There were tons and tons of food and fruits, cleaning stuff, vegetables, stationery and I can go on and on with the things in the store. I was not familiar with any of these brands. So I was very confused about the choices I make. But you guessed right I would see the price tags and then decide which was better for me. I saw other people filling cartloads of stuff and buying like there was a strike or holiday at the store the next day. But this is how Americans shop. They buy and consume in huge quantity. The remarkable thing that I noticed in the store was that the staff was friendly and helpful. At the end of my small shopping spree, I paid in cash as and the prices pinched me a lot. It took me a while not to convert each price tag in rupees.
Chapter Three: Getting related to work place and making friends
At office, I was being given small assignments and I was able to do them. The work was not very different from my previous office. I worked for the same company in New Delhi and they brought me here in the US office. But soon I was to realize that working here is very different ball game.
The company that I worked for specializes in developing software for clients who want packages to manage their benefits plans. For example, a large company has some retirement policies for their employees and requires a package to manage the data for a number of employees; the software developed my company helps in that area. The company was started by one individual. He is an actuary himself. He had an idea that software could be developed which did these calculations and so those calculation need not be done by hand.
Though the original idea came from the founder of the company, many developers have contributed to the software. One can say this is a small private company doing a niche job. There are mainly three categories of personals in the company, the actuaries, the developers, and personals that support the clients. Actuarial science is like math but the calculations are mainly to find the retirement benefits for individuals. This is a specific science and required a person to do much calculation to come up with the benefits payable to employees at a certain age. Developers implement all these calculations and are responsible for the overall working of the entire software. The support group helps answer client questions and solve onsite problems.
I had to do my bit of work and also co-ordinate with my Indian colleagues. The India office sent in modules and I was supposed to test and show it here to my boss. One such module came in from India office. I put in the files and showed it to my boss. My boss is a grey haired, bald elderly gentleman. He has lots of working experience of the issues that my company deals with. I can also say that he is intelligent and has a good memory about the problem we had faced and the possible solutions. People skills and patience are not his strong points. So after I showed this particular module from our India office and he had time to test it a bit, he became furious. I later found that he had a very different expectation of what that module was supposed to be doing. But being short tempered he was not ready to listen to any explanations. He was so angry that the things were not working as he wanted that he starting talking very loudly and became so agitated that he turned red in face. And all the fury seemed to be directed on me. As I was supposed to mysteriously know what he expected. There was no documentation of what the developers were told and I had little idea of what was being delivered. That was my first brush with an old, impatient man. I was slowly learning how to present things to such a guy who was capable of erupting into volcanoes of temper. That has been the darkest day in my working career. And I work in this office so that a similar day doest not dawn again
From that day onwards I made sure that, I put more energy into making a paper trail of all the work that I was assigned. This is important as the bosses’ concerned need to know who was responsible for the slightest mistake made and that person was taken to task immediately. As a developer, I was spending more time documenting things than actually development. That is how it works in most offices.
Later while working I learned more things about working in a software firm of this nature. I had seen a lot of back stabbing among developers in India too. But in this office, due to job insecurity, competition from colleagues was huge. Software developers are not one big family wanting to work to bring up a good product. There is jealousy, hatred and the constant need to impress the boss that one is doing more and better than rest of the team. So talking and presenting your ideas is one big advantage for a developer. Development skills and knowledge of the work are secondary. Unfortunately this was my impression in this office. But I was dealing with this each minute with the stoic belief that my work will be noticed. I am not the talkative type. I can work and persevere with my efforts and those were the qualities I depended on during the first few months of my joining the new office.
Each day was a struggle for me to get out of bed. Try not remembering the office, cook some breakfast and get ready for another day. Sweet cereals available in the market are not my idea of breakfast. I would rather have a breakfast sandwich from Dunkin Doughnuts. When I finally for ready for office I would pray and think of the atmosphere I was about to enter be positive. With plenty of positive thinking that I could muster, I prayed with all my sincerity so that the work in office should not bog me down. I have realized that when one begins the day with prayers and hope, the hardship of yesterday diminishes. What stands then is a beautiful morning with new possibilities and lots of hope for better today and tomorrow.
Dealing with an impatient, intelligent boss and insecure, over eager to impress colleagues was not fun. I tried to find other opening to vent my feelings and get out of this vicious office atmosphere. Soon help came in or I must say I helped myself to escape the office. I was involved in a personal development educational organization back in Delhi. This organization has branches all over the world. They offer short courses where the participants reflect analyze and have dialogues with the person leading the course. Participants also discuss about their life, ambitions, desires, and insecurities. These discussions are often moderated and led by the leader of the course. This group level of participation helps all participants to see their life and relationships in very different light. I had left Delhi when I was still participating in one of the course. I was unable to complete that course while in Delhi. I felt I must complete the course.
I found out the address and phone number of their Philadelphia office. The manager at that office was very accommodating and helped me join and continue with the course. Traveling to the center city was one small hurdle for me. I did not know to drive at that time. I was riding to and fro to office with colleagues who stayed in the same apartment complex. So I was a bit spoilt in that area. But I could take a train to the center city and back. Sometimes my batch mates from the organization helped to get there and back from the class. All my batch mates supported me in traveling and in completing the course. In fact I felt very welcome from day one.
Having friendly, welcoming and supportive friends changed my perception of the world. In those initial days I was over whelmed by the new city, new culture and the negative office atmosphere. I related to this new place according to the experience I was having with few of my colleagues. So the entire city, the people appeared rude and unfriendly to me. I thought that one comes to USA to earn money so no one should expect any kind words. When my boss insulted me and was rude, I imagined that was the way it worked in USA. For me the world around me was filled with lots of tension, rude, cold and unfriendly people. I easily felt lonely and scared as I had no one to talk to after I left office. I have no friends or relative in this part of the world. I was like a little five-year old girl left to fend for my self in this cold, rude enemy territory. Occasional talk with Monica in the office came as a relief but the overall feeling was that of being lonely, helpless, not appreciated and being in a thankless job.
From the very first minute I attended the first session of the study group, these feelings diminished. I was happy to meet Barbara, Jennifer, Nancy, Bob and many others of my group members. Each person in the group was a source of inspiration. The link which is common between the members in the group is similar positions in their life. Normally each one going through their life is not reflecting, analyzing their life and looking each incident through a microscope. When one is in a transition from one phase to another then is time for such reflection. This study groups and this organization specializes in conducting such studies in human behavior. So I was in the right spot in the right time. Here I was in a very different culture up rooted from my familiar surrounding and environment. The group discussions, the one to one sessions and the entire study is meant to recognize the strengths of each person. I was realizing that I have many qualities and equal number of areas where I could work to improve my situation. The realization does not come easy. To accept the fact that they have something missing in an area of life, is a heart wrenching process But the very fact that I was doing this analysis and was working toward taking steps to improve my effectiveness kept me going through that grueling five-month period.
The company that I worked for specializes in developing software for clients who want packages to manage their benefits plans. For example, a large company has some retirement policies for their employees and requires a package to manage the data for a number of employees; the software developed my company helps in that area. The company was started by one individual. He is an actuary himself. He had an idea that software could be developed which did these calculations and so those calculation need not be done by hand.
Though the original idea came from the founder of the company, many developers have contributed to the software. One can say this is a small private company doing a niche job. There are mainly three categories of personals in the company, the actuaries, the developers, and personals that support the clients. Actuarial science is like math but the calculations are mainly to find the retirement benefits for individuals. This is a specific science and required a person to do much calculation to come up with the benefits payable to employees at a certain age. Developers implement all these calculations and are responsible for the overall working of the entire software. The support group helps answer client questions and solve onsite problems.
I had to do my bit of work and also co-ordinate with my Indian colleagues. The India office sent in modules and I was supposed to test and show it here to my boss. One such module came in from India office. I put in the files and showed it to my boss. My boss is a grey haired, bald elderly gentleman. He has lots of working experience of the issues that my company deals with. I can also say that he is intelligent and has a good memory about the problem we had faced and the possible solutions. People skills and patience are not his strong points. So after I showed this particular module from our India office and he had time to test it a bit, he became furious. I later found that he had a very different expectation of what that module was supposed to be doing. But being short tempered he was not ready to listen to any explanations. He was so angry that the things were not working as he wanted that he starting talking very loudly and became so agitated that he turned red in face. And all the fury seemed to be directed on me. As I was supposed to mysteriously know what he expected. There was no documentation of what the developers were told and I had little idea of what was being delivered. That was my first brush with an old, impatient man. I was slowly learning how to present things to such a guy who was capable of erupting into volcanoes of temper. That has been the darkest day in my working career. And I work in this office so that a similar day doest not dawn again
From that day onwards I made sure that, I put more energy into making a paper trail of all the work that I was assigned. This is important as the bosses’ concerned need to know who was responsible for the slightest mistake made and that person was taken to task immediately. As a developer, I was spending more time documenting things than actually development. That is how it works in most offices.
Later while working I learned more things about working in a software firm of this nature. I had seen a lot of back stabbing among developers in India too. But in this office, due to job insecurity, competition from colleagues was huge. Software developers are not one big family wanting to work to bring up a good product. There is jealousy, hatred and the constant need to impress the boss that one is doing more and better than rest of the team. So talking and presenting your ideas is one big advantage for a developer. Development skills and knowledge of the work are secondary. Unfortunately this was my impression in this office. But I was dealing with this each minute with the stoic belief that my work will be noticed. I am not the talkative type. I can work and persevere with my efforts and those were the qualities I depended on during the first few months of my joining the new office.
Each day was a struggle for me to get out of bed. Try not remembering the office, cook some breakfast and get ready for another day. Sweet cereals available in the market are not my idea of breakfast. I would rather have a breakfast sandwich from Dunkin Doughnuts. When I finally for ready for office I would pray and think of the atmosphere I was about to enter be positive. With plenty of positive thinking that I could muster, I prayed with all my sincerity so that the work in office should not bog me down. I have realized that when one begins the day with prayers and hope, the hardship of yesterday diminishes. What stands then is a beautiful morning with new possibilities and lots of hope for better today and tomorrow.
Dealing with an impatient, intelligent boss and insecure, over eager to impress colleagues was not fun. I tried to find other opening to vent my feelings and get out of this vicious office atmosphere. Soon help came in or I must say I helped myself to escape the office. I was involved in a personal development educational organization back in Delhi. This organization has branches all over the world. They offer short courses where the participants reflect analyze and have dialogues with the person leading the course. Participants also discuss about their life, ambitions, desires, and insecurities. These discussions are often moderated and led by the leader of the course. This group level of participation helps all participants to see their life and relationships in very different light. I had left Delhi when I was still participating in one of the course. I was unable to complete that course while in Delhi. I felt I must complete the course.
I found out the address and phone number of their Philadelphia office. The manager at that office was very accommodating and helped me join and continue with the course. Traveling to the center city was one small hurdle for me. I did not know to drive at that time. I was riding to and fro to office with colleagues who stayed in the same apartment complex. So I was a bit spoilt in that area. But I could take a train to the center city and back. Sometimes my batch mates from the organization helped to get there and back from the class. All my batch mates supported me in traveling and in completing the course. In fact I felt very welcome from day one.
Having friendly, welcoming and supportive friends changed my perception of the world. In those initial days I was over whelmed by the new city, new culture and the negative office atmosphere. I related to this new place according to the experience I was having with few of my colleagues. So the entire city, the people appeared rude and unfriendly to me. I thought that one comes to USA to earn money so no one should expect any kind words. When my boss insulted me and was rude, I imagined that was the way it worked in USA. For me the world around me was filled with lots of tension, rude, cold and unfriendly people. I easily felt lonely and scared as I had no one to talk to after I left office. I have no friends or relative in this part of the world. I was like a little five-year old girl left to fend for my self in this cold, rude enemy territory. Occasional talk with Monica in the office came as a relief but the overall feeling was that of being lonely, helpless, not appreciated and being in a thankless job.
From the very first minute I attended the first session of the study group, these feelings diminished. I was happy to meet Barbara, Jennifer, Nancy, Bob and many others of my group members. Each person in the group was a source of inspiration. The link which is common between the members in the group is similar positions in their life. Normally each one going through their life is not reflecting, analyzing their life and looking each incident through a microscope. When one is in a transition from one phase to another then is time for such reflection. This study groups and this organization specializes in conducting such studies in human behavior. So I was in the right spot in the right time. Here I was in a very different culture up rooted from my familiar surrounding and environment. The group discussions, the one to one sessions and the entire study is meant to recognize the strengths of each person. I was realizing that I have many qualities and equal number of areas where I could work to improve my situation. The realization does not come easy. To accept the fact that they have something missing in an area of life, is a heart wrenching process But the very fact that I was doing this analysis and was working toward taking steps to improve my effectiveness kept me going through that grueling five-month period.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Chapter Four : My friends source of my inspiration
Jennifer was a successful business woman, having some difficult moments in her business. She is strong, independent, articulate, loving and straightforward people I have ever met. She was so supportive of me, driving me to center city and to New York once, that I have always felt that I have taken undue advantage of her generosity. Helping others comes naturally to her. She was involved with a prominent charity and I also went to some meetings to such a charity.
Being an American woman, I would expect her to be materialistic. But she was an exact opposite of what, I imagined an American business women would be. She took care to find about the source that got the profits each time she bought any product. When buying anything, she would find out how the profits were being used by a shop, brand name. She wanted that her money goes to some community-based organizations who earn less profit and support families. I was stunned to hear her theories of how to use money and for what purpose. She absolutely hated big cars, big houses and other fabulous ideas that many fellow American shares.
She was such a source of inspiration and encouragement for me, I felt like I have met an elder sister. Toward the end of the study session, I also met her fiancée Jamie. I was so happy for both of them. I had watched her cheeks go pink and her eyes sparkle and voices drop to whispers whenever she mentioned Jamie. So when I met both of them, I felt they are a portrait of a loving couple, who cared for each other. When they were around each other the room seemed to fill up with happiness, love and acceptance.
Barbara, a nurse by profession was an older member of the group. She was on a brink of retirement and had recently gone through a divorce. She would speak how she took care of her children. She sewed, cooked food, and dropped kids to school and their music lessons. She had never imagined that her marriage would end. She was from the old school where one thinks that marriages are for a life time. As I am an Indian, where divorce rate is still very low, I could easily relate to her feeling of being betrayed, dumped and helplessness when she heard of her divorce.
The design of the course which we were attending is such that each person accepts the challenges and get ready to face life as it is, in its natural way. Barbara’s resolute effort to gather all efforts and face the reality of life was admirable. During the five month of the course we were doing together, she started putting on some makeup, taking care of herself. She was not actually looking for a partner right then. Her attitude towards herself, and even her ex-husband turned positive every day during the time I was meeting her.
Barbara took on going to London by herself when she missed one major session in the entire course. For a lady her age and position, this was a very bold step. She must have always traveled with her husband earlier. And to travel all alone to a foreign land did not deter her from continuing in the course. She soon realized that she had to let go her bitterness for her fate and bring back the positive attitude toward life. She then took time off to be at her grand son’s graduation, spent lot of time with her daughters, redecorated some parts of her house. She was so inspiring and always a source of compassion and affection to me.
Bob is a graduate from MIT. Anyone, who has heard of that institute, can easily understand why I was in awe of him. He is intelligent, kind and an introvert. He was single (at that time) may be in late thirty’s or early forty’s. He was one of the silent members of the group. I had not spoken to him much. But there came an occasion that I had to speak to him.
I was supposed to attend a late session on Friday and be there in the center early in the morning on Saturday. Bob lived at stone’s throw from the place where I was supposed to be. I knew about this schedule well ahead of time. I was discussing about my travel arrangements for that weekend with my coach. I did not drive then. Returning back home well past midnight and then going again before 8:30 a.m. was a challenge for me. Then my coach suggested “why don’t you stay at Bob’s place”. I was stunned, astonished, outraged and silent for moments on the phone when my coach suggested this. How could she suggest I stay over in a guy home? For an Indian female with a traditional mind set this seemed out of bounds. I was single too. If Bob was married and had family, I would have had no hesitation. But know both our situations, I was flabbergasted. My coach reasoned with me and told me to look and think out of the box. I realized that I was making it too much of an issue with his and my single status. So I picked up a phone and called Bob and asked if I could stay over at his place on that Friday. Of course he had no problem. But he had no clue of my struggle with me before I called him.
On that particular Friday, he and I walked up till his apartment. He had cleaned up a room for me to stay. He owned a big huge apartment and did not use all rooms I guess. Before going to bed, I asked him to wake me up early as I had to get ready to go to the study center.
He asked “Early, meaning 4 am?”
I said “NO early means 6:30 am”.
Truly he is a morning person. The next morning I woke up around 6 am. And he was already busy with the weekend chores of cleaning and laundry. Then he offered we go to a nearby Starbucks for coffee. So there we were eating muffins and having coffee on a roadside chairs placed near the Starbucks. And he narrated stories of his college days while I gave details of my family back home. Bob was very amused to know that my sister had masters in Chemistry. That was a cute morning breakfast on a cool summer morning.
When leaving Bob’s apartment, he said “So, it was not bad after all”.
It seems my coach Patricia had already had a conversation with him about my situation and mindset about staying at his place. I was taken aback at that time. Patricia had made sure that he had information how an Indian female would react to staying at a strangers place overnight. Well so the entire Bob experiment was pleasant and as easy as being at my own place.
The Friday night stay at Bob’s apartment gave me an idea how intellectuals live. His house seemed like a mini library full of math and science books. Some art pictures and articles were in the living room. He had a piano which he played at time also in the living room. What impressed me most about Bob was that he was totally committed and devoted toward the work he was doing. His notes were neatly stacked and so were his numerous journals, hand written notes all around the study. It seems like he had read all the books that were around there. Most of the books I picked up had his hand written notes. I had not seen so many books on Science, Math, Chemistry, and Physics at somebody home before. He is a scholar.
My coach Patricia is a kind, gentle, intelligent and ever smiling individual. Coaching in such self development study groups is a difficult position. She was a manager in a software company and did fill time job there. She coached about five persons in my study group including me. She was an active member of the choir group in her church. She is married. She lives at an hour drive from her work and the center city place where this study group was conducted. Her personal schedule seemed filled up to the last minute each day. She is a giver always. Managing a job, being a volunteer in the study group, a singer of choir group, managing her home all at the same time is not easy. And doing all this never did I see her exhausted. She was there every time I met her with a smile on her face and ready to help any member who needed her help. Also her coaching style was being friendly and easy. I had no hesitation talking to her about my deepest of insecurities. And always she came up with a plan for me to overcome each hurdle.
During the five month of that study, I learned many things. I was getting related to some friendly and intelligent people and so USA and Philadelphia no longer appeared cold, rude and indifferent. I felt that human beings are similar all over the world. As there can be in-sensitive people in India, they have their counter parts in USA too. I began to focus on the strengths and qualities of the other positive people I was meeting. I found very kind, supportive persons all around me all the time. When I had to travel to New York, my group members helped me. They would appreciate my efforts at getting related to people and culture around me.
Meanwhile, I was preparing to drive a car. I had cleared the written exam to get a learner’s permit. I took some driving classes from a local driving school. The driving classes were fun and difficult at the same time. Imagine a frightened, shivering female behind the wheel of a car. The driving instructor constantly giving out instructions
“Slow, take a right on the Stop sign”.
“You are going wide on turns. Make it clean”
“NO. NO, I said slow down”
He was more angry and scared about my driving than I was. The first two classes were awful. But on the third driving class I was very determined. I analyzed and convinced myself that driving was not a big deal and it had to be approached as fun and another learning experience and not some Herculean task like climbing Himalayas. In India, the people who cannot do very good become drivers, I wondered and I had not done that bad at school so I should be able to drive. And truly my driving improved from that day onwards. Even my driving instructor saw the difference and complimented me for finally having some confidence.
Then after some more practice and failing the parallel parking test once, I finally got the driver license on my second attempt. I was so happy that I could finally drive on my own. Soon, I was told to go to India office for some work. The office was paying my air fare so I happily agreed. I had a good time visiting my family back home. Although I was working most of the days, it seemed like a vacation to me as I could go home to my family each day after work in Delhi, India. That was a good break and required vacation for me.
After returning from India, I started looking for a car. Obviously I was looking for a used car. I did not want to invest in a brand new car, as it was merely eight months since I arrived in this country. Luckily for me, a colleague of mine, Dori bought a new van and was ready to sell her old car. I got a good deal and I was a proud owner of a car now. By the time I finally bought a car, it was months since I had driven a car. And I was once again scared of driving, roads and traffic. The car stood in the parking lot for weeks, before I had courage to drive to office.
There was another angel waiting in the wing for me. I had become friendly with another working female in the apartment complex named, “Madhu”. Madhu is a hell of a character. Strong willed, practical, polite, intelligent all at the same time. She encouraged me a lot to drive on my own. I began by driving in the parking lot. Then drove to a near by shopping mall. On a weekend, Madhu would sit in the passenger seat and guide me in driving to a shopping complex. After much practice and encouragement from her, I could drive the car to the office. Since then Madhu and I have become close friends and she has been very supportive of me.
At office, I was still facing the fact that I was unable to speak for myself and particularly was not comfortable voicing my opinion when men are around. This short coming led me to hear whatever my boss was saying to me at office. Talking to Bob and asking him if I could put up in his apartment for a day was small step I took. Soon I would be talking in office meetings and agree or disagree with my boss during discussions. The fear that I felt when someone in authority spoke to me was decreasing for me. And I was able to see and realize for myself a person sitting at the other end of the table is also a human being and has some short comings too.
I had learnt a technique called re-generation. According to this technique I need to visualize a situation with a positive attitude. So when I was very angry with my colleagues, instead of giving more reasons to be mad at them, I would think may be they had a bad day at home and so they are behaving that way. Or look into the situation more deeply and analyze why I am reacting negatively to a very small issue. Basically it helped me calm my nerves, face each situation with new strength and confidence. Every morning I visualized that the day would be full of co-operation from my boss and colleagues and I would be able to deliver on the tasks I was assigned. With much determination I was able to keep pace with my work environment.
Being an American woman, I would expect her to be materialistic. But she was an exact opposite of what, I imagined an American business women would be. She took care to find about the source that got the profits each time she bought any product. When buying anything, she would find out how the profits were being used by a shop, brand name. She wanted that her money goes to some community-based organizations who earn less profit and support families. I was stunned to hear her theories of how to use money and for what purpose. She absolutely hated big cars, big houses and other fabulous ideas that many fellow American shares.
She was such a source of inspiration and encouragement for me, I felt like I have met an elder sister. Toward the end of the study session, I also met her fiancée Jamie. I was so happy for both of them. I had watched her cheeks go pink and her eyes sparkle and voices drop to whispers whenever she mentioned Jamie. So when I met both of them, I felt they are a portrait of a loving couple, who cared for each other. When they were around each other the room seemed to fill up with happiness, love and acceptance.
Barbara, a nurse by profession was an older member of the group. She was on a brink of retirement and had recently gone through a divorce. She would speak how she took care of her children. She sewed, cooked food, and dropped kids to school and their music lessons. She had never imagined that her marriage would end. She was from the old school where one thinks that marriages are for a life time. As I am an Indian, where divorce rate is still very low, I could easily relate to her feeling of being betrayed, dumped and helplessness when she heard of her divorce.
The design of the course which we were attending is such that each person accepts the challenges and get ready to face life as it is, in its natural way. Barbara’s resolute effort to gather all efforts and face the reality of life was admirable. During the five month of the course we were doing together, she started putting on some makeup, taking care of herself. She was not actually looking for a partner right then. Her attitude towards herself, and even her ex-husband turned positive every day during the time I was meeting her.
Barbara took on going to London by herself when she missed one major session in the entire course. For a lady her age and position, this was a very bold step. She must have always traveled with her husband earlier. And to travel all alone to a foreign land did not deter her from continuing in the course. She soon realized that she had to let go her bitterness for her fate and bring back the positive attitude toward life. She then took time off to be at her grand son’s graduation, spent lot of time with her daughters, redecorated some parts of her house. She was so inspiring and always a source of compassion and affection to me.
Bob is a graduate from MIT. Anyone, who has heard of that institute, can easily understand why I was in awe of him. He is intelligent, kind and an introvert. He was single (at that time) may be in late thirty’s or early forty’s. He was one of the silent members of the group. I had not spoken to him much. But there came an occasion that I had to speak to him.
I was supposed to attend a late session on Friday and be there in the center early in the morning on Saturday. Bob lived at stone’s throw from the place where I was supposed to be. I knew about this schedule well ahead of time. I was discussing about my travel arrangements for that weekend with my coach. I did not drive then. Returning back home well past midnight and then going again before 8:30 a.m. was a challenge for me. Then my coach suggested “why don’t you stay at Bob’s place”. I was stunned, astonished, outraged and silent for moments on the phone when my coach suggested this. How could she suggest I stay over in a guy home? For an Indian female with a traditional mind set this seemed out of bounds. I was single too. If Bob was married and had family, I would have had no hesitation. But know both our situations, I was flabbergasted. My coach reasoned with me and told me to look and think out of the box. I realized that I was making it too much of an issue with his and my single status. So I picked up a phone and called Bob and asked if I could stay over at his place on that Friday. Of course he had no problem. But he had no clue of my struggle with me before I called him.
On that particular Friday, he and I walked up till his apartment. He had cleaned up a room for me to stay. He owned a big huge apartment and did not use all rooms I guess. Before going to bed, I asked him to wake me up early as I had to get ready to go to the study center.
He asked “Early, meaning 4 am?”
I said “NO early means 6:30 am”.
Truly he is a morning person. The next morning I woke up around 6 am. And he was already busy with the weekend chores of cleaning and laundry. Then he offered we go to a nearby Starbucks for coffee. So there we were eating muffins and having coffee on a roadside chairs placed near the Starbucks. And he narrated stories of his college days while I gave details of my family back home. Bob was very amused to know that my sister had masters in Chemistry. That was a cute morning breakfast on a cool summer morning.
When leaving Bob’s apartment, he said “So, it was not bad after all”.
It seems my coach Patricia had already had a conversation with him about my situation and mindset about staying at his place. I was taken aback at that time. Patricia had made sure that he had information how an Indian female would react to staying at a strangers place overnight. Well so the entire Bob experiment was pleasant and as easy as being at my own place.
The Friday night stay at Bob’s apartment gave me an idea how intellectuals live. His house seemed like a mini library full of math and science books. Some art pictures and articles were in the living room. He had a piano which he played at time also in the living room. What impressed me most about Bob was that he was totally committed and devoted toward the work he was doing. His notes were neatly stacked and so were his numerous journals, hand written notes all around the study. It seems like he had read all the books that were around there. Most of the books I picked up had his hand written notes. I had not seen so many books on Science, Math, Chemistry, and Physics at somebody home before. He is a scholar.
My coach Patricia is a kind, gentle, intelligent and ever smiling individual. Coaching in such self development study groups is a difficult position. She was a manager in a software company and did fill time job there. She coached about five persons in my study group including me. She was an active member of the choir group in her church. She is married. She lives at an hour drive from her work and the center city place where this study group was conducted. Her personal schedule seemed filled up to the last minute each day. She is a giver always. Managing a job, being a volunteer in the study group, a singer of choir group, managing her home all at the same time is not easy. And doing all this never did I see her exhausted. She was there every time I met her with a smile on her face and ready to help any member who needed her help. Also her coaching style was being friendly and easy. I had no hesitation talking to her about my deepest of insecurities. And always she came up with a plan for me to overcome each hurdle.
During the five month of that study, I learned many things. I was getting related to some friendly and intelligent people and so USA and Philadelphia no longer appeared cold, rude and indifferent. I felt that human beings are similar all over the world. As there can be in-sensitive people in India, they have their counter parts in USA too. I began to focus on the strengths and qualities of the other positive people I was meeting. I found very kind, supportive persons all around me all the time. When I had to travel to New York, my group members helped me. They would appreciate my efforts at getting related to people and culture around me.
Meanwhile, I was preparing to drive a car. I had cleared the written exam to get a learner’s permit. I took some driving classes from a local driving school. The driving classes were fun and difficult at the same time. Imagine a frightened, shivering female behind the wheel of a car. The driving instructor constantly giving out instructions
“Slow, take a right on the Stop sign”.
“You are going wide on turns. Make it clean”
“NO. NO, I said slow down”
He was more angry and scared about my driving than I was. The first two classes were awful. But on the third driving class I was very determined. I analyzed and convinced myself that driving was not a big deal and it had to be approached as fun and another learning experience and not some Herculean task like climbing Himalayas. In India, the people who cannot do very good become drivers, I wondered and I had not done that bad at school so I should be able to drive. And truly my driving improved from that day onwards. Even my driving instructor saw the difference and complimented me for finally having some confidence.
Then after some more practice and failing the parallel parking test once, I finally got the driver license on my second attempt. I was so happy that I could finally drive on my own. Soon, I was told to go to India office for some work. The office was paying my air fare so I happily agreed. I had a good time visiting my family back home. Although I was working most of the days, it seemed like a vacation to me as I could go home to my family each day after work in Delhi, India. That was a good break and required vacation for me.
After returning from India, I started looking for a car. Obviously I was looking for a used car. I did not want to invest in a brand new car, as it was merely eight months since I arrived in this country. Luckily for me, a colleague of mine, Dori bought a new van and was ready to sell her old car. I got a good deal and I was a proud owner of a car now. By the time I finally bought a car, it was months since I had driven a car. And I was once again scared of driving, roads and traffic. The car stood in the parking lot for weeks, before I had courage to drive to office.
There was another angel waiting in the wing for me. I had become friendly with another working female in the apartment complex named, “Madhu”. Madhu is a hell of a character. Strong willed, practical, polite, intelligent all at the same time. She encouraged me a lot to drive on my own. I began by driving in the parking lot. Then drove to a near by shopping mall. On a weekend, Madhu would sit in the passenger seat and guide me in driving to a shopping complex. After much practice and encouragement from her, I could drive the car to the office. Since then Madhu and I have become close friends and she has been very supportive of me.
At office, I was still facing the fact that I was unable to speak for myself and particularly was not comfortable voicing my opinion when men are around. This short coming led me to hear whatever my boss was saying to me at office. Talking to Bob and asking him if I could put up in his apartment for a day was small step I took. Soon I would be talking in office meetings and agree or disagree with my boss during discussions. The fear that I felt when someone in authority spoke to me was decreasing for me. And I was able to see and realize for myself a person sitting at the other end of the table is also a human being and has some short comings too.
I had learnt a technique called re-generation. According to this technique I need to visualize a situation with a positive attitude. So when I was very angry with my colleagues, instead of giving more reasons to be mad at them, I would think may be they had a bad day at home and so they are behaving that way. Or look into the situation more deeply and analyze why I am reacting negatively to a very small issue. Basically it helped me calm my nerves, face each situation with new strength and confidence. Every morning I visualized that the day would be full of co-operation from my boss and colleagues and I would be able to deliver on the tasks I was assigned. With much determination I was able to keep pace with my work environment.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Chapter Five: Exploring Dunkin donuts, coffee, malls and Indian grocery stores
I was slowly getting a hang of the new surrounding around me. Shopping forms an important chore in a life of each person here. There are deals, exciting deals, good deals and sales to be found everywhere. Then there are coupons and shop cards. For Example a store like “Acme” where you but things like fruits, milk and other stuff has a free membership card which you get free. Some discounts are available when one uses that card. So apart from a credit card, such store membership cards are also some of the prized possessions one can have in USA. Coupons are discount vouchers printed in local papers. One can cut those vouchers from news papers and other magazines and use while shopping, at gas stations or even doing a oil change for your car. Then one also waits for a particular sale to but certain products. Usually one can buy good winter clothes in early spring sales when those giant stores are dumping their winter inventory. Electronic sales are good after thanks giving and Christmas. Most families buy their Christmas gifts for next season in after Christmas sales. A pro at shopping can tell you what to shop from which store. For daily household items go to store named “COSTCO”. Costco is a store specializing in selling goods at affordable rates. Things that one needs like oil, bath rolls, detergents etc can be easily purchased here at this store in bulk. So Costco is considered a family store. Similar names are recommended in case you ask for furniture, books, toys etc.
So I kept learning from experience and from what other people bought. Then there are garage sales and moving sales. Garage sales are second sales of old items arranged by a single or more than one household. You can get dirt cheap furniture and other decorations from garage sales as people want to throw away the old stuff and buy new each spring. Moving sale is a sale put up by a moving family. It is a pain to move things from one place to another and expensive too. So many families sell their stuff before moving. I got good deals on such sales.
The other unique thing I saw here are coffee shops. Starbucks, Dunkin donuts, Wawa are just a few coffee places I have seen so far. The coffee can be bitter to more gentle in these shops. Visiting these places I wondered if people here made coffee at home or not. Coffee and muffins are popular breakfast items. I liked the Dunkin donuts coffee the best among these. And I am big fan of the donuts at Dunkin Donuts. What amuses me is that I have not been to any Dunkin Donut which is not owned by an Indian. Surprisingly, many Dunkin Donuts are owned and run by Indian families and they are very successful at running this chain of coffee shops all over USA. So it not a big surprise that I like both the coffee and donuts at Dunkin Donuts. Donuts are like pastries available in India but are normally round in shape and generally with a hole in center. Donuts come in million flavors. Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, glazed, filled with jellies and many other varieties.
The other cheap eating places are of course MacDonald’s, Wendy’s, and Taco Bells. But I am partial to burger kings as they have vegetarian sandwich. Also I like Taco bells a lot. The seven layered bean burrito and chalupa are the only thing that can compare to an Indian tastes. Let me warn you that all the names I mentioned above are considered very unhealthy in USA especially the Taco bells is considered worst and poor persons meal. I keep wondering how the boiled beans and rice served in a wheat wrap be so bad. But that is not the point; I am just saying I love eating the taco. Being a vegetarian cannot comment on the non vegetarian stuff that one get on these places. Also I have not tasted beer or wines so I cannot comment on that subject too. I also liked the Mexican, Thai and Italian places I visited.
Indian grocery store are important to me as I can get every item I think about there. Indian who came to USA before me say in 80’s and early 90’s say that the availability of Indian items like vegetables, lentils, seasoning has vastly improved over the period of time. So I am lucky that I can get all vegetables and dals(lentils) that I want here at those store. Once you step inside a tiny Indian store, you enter a mini India. Most buyers and owner are Indian .one can talk in Hindi and ask for an item in Hindi. And for those moments one forgets that we are thousands of miles from India.
So I kept learning from experience and from what other people bought. Then there are garage sales and moving sales. Garage sales are second sales of old items arranged by a single or more than one household. You can get dirt cheap furniture and other decorations from garage sales as people want to throw away the old stuff and buy new each spring. Moving sale is a sale put up by a moving family. It is a pain to move things from one place to another and expensive too. So many families sell their stuff before moving. I got good deals on such sales.
The other unique thing I saw here are coffee shops. Starbucks, Dunkin donuts, Wawa are just a few coffee places I have seen so far. The coffee can be bitter to more gentle in these shops. Visiting these places I wondered if people here made coffee at home or not. Coffee and muffins are popular breakfast items. I liked the Dunkin donuts coffee the best among these. And I am big fan of the donuts at Dunkin Donuts. What amuses me is that I have not been to any Dunkin Donut which is not owned by an Indian. Surprisingly, many Dunkin Donuts are owned and run by Indian families and they are very successful at running this chain of coffee shops all over USA. So it not a big surprise that I like both the coffee and donuts at Dunkin Donuts. Donuts are like pastries available in India but are normally round in shape and generally with a hole in center. Donuts come in million flavors. Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, glazed, filled with jellies and many other varieties.
The other cheap eating places are of course MacDonald’s, Wendy’s, and Taco Bells. But I am partial to burger kings as they have vegetarian sandwich. Also I like Taco bells a lot. The seven layered bean burrito and chalupa are the only thing that can compare to an Indian tastes. Let me warn you that all the names I mentioned above are considered very unhealthy in USA especially the Taco bells is considered worst and poor persons meal. I keep wondering how the boiled beans and rice served in a wheat wrap be so bad. But that is not the point; I am just saying I love eating the taco. Being a vegetarian cannot comment on the non vegetarian stuff that one get on these places. Also I have not tasted beer or wines so I cannot comment on that subject too. I also liked the Mexican, Thai and Italian places I visited.
Indian grocery store are important to me as I can get every item I think about there. Indian who came to USA before me say in 80’s and early 90’s say that the availability of Indian items like vegetables, lentils, seasoning has vastly improved over the period of time. So I am lucky that I can get all vegetables and dals(lentils) that I want here at those store. Once you step inside a tiny Indian store, you enter a mini India. Most buyers and owner are Indian .one can talk in Hindi and ask for an item in Hindi. And for those moments one forgets that we are thousands of miles from India.
Chapter Six: Looking within, what do I do next in life?
It’s been almost two years since I came to USA. Lately, I have been feeling lonely as never before. I came here so that I could see a new country but also to escape questions from family members and friends back in India about my single status. This new surroundings does bring me in a new situation. I go to each social gathering alone. Back in India, at least I would have my sister or brother or somebody to talk to at such places. But now I am alone. Alone, alone, alone. So there is no escape from this fact that I am single.
In this country, I am told it is easy to find a partner. I can see in malls, in eating-places everywhere couples and more couples, holding hands and laughing to glory. I notice this more so as I am completely consumed by this question of finding a guy. Any other person walking in the same place as I do will feel
"Oh! There are people all around" or
"Look, how loud they are" or
"what a dress to wear”.
But I see only couples, couples and more couples everywhere I go. There are several dating sites one can take help from. Then for Indian girls with my mindset, there are matrimonial sites as well.
I started by putting my profile in such a matrimonial site. And I did get some response. In most of the case, there were a couple of emails back and forth and then a complete silence. But I did speak to one of the guys on telephone. But after a couple of calls, he lost his job and that was the end of the conversation. So what am I missing? I believe all and each one of us can live happily and get what she or he wants. And then a desire and yearning for company in my case having a male partner is very natural. So where do I make mistakes in communicating with others that I am single and remain so, when many others around me are happy with their life partners.
As I search for my life partner, I would also like to express my feelings and longings to him with an sincere hope that he is going to read these words.These letters are directed to a fictitious character. This is a projection of my imagination. I am visualizing a future time in my life when I would be writing such mails. If you find this spooky close the page now.
Obviously this person does not know I have been writing these letters to him. As I myself do not know this point of time who this person is. Right now he is in my imagination only. Hope to meet him soon in person. I use the word Prakash for this person. Prakash symbolizes light. Light gives hope.
Dear Prakash,
Today is the 26th of December, the day after Christmas. I hope you received the Christmas card I sent you. It’s a green color card with a golden heart figure in center. And it goes "Forever forever forever... yours". Did you like it?
I hope you did. I loved the dresses you sent for me, especially the pink top. Now that is the color I like most apart from blue and white. Also the fragrance of the perfume is lovely. I hope you did not spend a fortune on those gifts. But the best gift you could give me is to be with me. You know that. Don't you? I think you know how I long to be with you. And I guess you would want to be with me as well. You have mentioned this so many times. But still I will keep reminding you that the best present ever for me is your presence.
Nothing can be as wonderful as to hear your voice in person and not just on the telephone. I love your voice and when you whisper something in my ears, which make me nervous and excited both at the same time. So hope hearing from you soon.
Today is the 30th of December and I write these lines, there is this overwhelming blanket of loneliness over me. The day is gloomy and your absence makes it even worse. I can't wait to see you soon. Each day that passes by makes the wait even harder to bear and even harder to be still waiting. Hope you share the same sentiment as me.
How you go by in your world is not comprehensible to me. How you can go in this world and not return soon is beyond my imagination. As I write each line, my heart pours and oozes love from each pore of my body. And I sincerely believe that these emotions will reach you. They will surround you, envelope you and give these heart felt messages of love affection and eternal bonds. You cannot be far away from me right now. No barrier, no mountain, no seas can hold you away from me. As my emotions run so powerfully across the entire universe that it’s very natural, obvious and destined to reach you. And you are going to respond to me soon.
This is 10th of January 2005. A friend told me that in case I have not received my present, I should assume its being wrapped for me. So I take his words for granted and am assuming that my present is in the process of being delivered to me. You can see the smile on my face. My face lights up with an anticipation of our future together. Hmm and now I have a "Hugs and kisses" heart shaped pillow for you. Also there are some stuffed toys. These are gifts I brought for myself and you for this Valentine's Day.
Hey!!! Prakash. So what you like to do apart from your work I meant? Love to drive or watch football or movies. Do you play a game may be tennis or some other game. I am just planning our first dates so was checking your interests. May be we can travel to mountains where the hilltops meet the sky and in the moon light the stars seem hanging right on top of your heads like lamps lit on a Diwali day. Have you been to a place where the sky is so clear that you can actually see each cloud, each star and the air so pure that you can smell the pine trees just walking past by? The only sound you hear is of your foot steps, the happy chirping of birds as they find food for them selves and their tiny tots and while they build their dainty nests. The serenity of the surroundings never disturbed over the years and the crystal clear water flowing making the sweet gurgling noises. The water as clear as one could see the tiniest pebbles in the bed of the river. May be we can live in the tent and awake to the waking calls of the birds when they leave home to get food for the next day. When we open our eyes we see the sun shines like a million candles lit up those give us that silky and likeable warmth. Even a day in such place would seem like being in heaven for year and of course we will have each other for company. That will be the icing on the cake for sure. Hope you like the date. Waiting for you
Lovingly,
Anu
In this country, I am told it is easy to find a partner. I can see in malls, in eating-places everywhere couples and more couples, holding hands and laughing to glory. I notice this more so as I am completely consumed by this question of finding a guy. Any other person walking in the same place as I do will feel
"Oh! There are people all around" or
"Look, how loud they are" or
"what a dress to wear”.
But I see only couples, couples and more couples everywhere I go. There are several dating sites one can take help from. Then for Indian girls with my mindset, there are matrimonial sites as well.
I started by putting my profile in such a matrimonial site. And I did get some response. In most of the case, there were a couple of emails back and forth and then a complete silence. But I did speak to one of the guys on telephone. But after a couple of calls, he lost his job and that was the end of the conversation. So what am I missing? I believe all and each one of us can live happily and get what she or he wants. And then a desire and yearning for company in my case having a male partner is very natural. So where do I make mistakes in communicating with others that I am single and remain so, when many others around me are happy with their life partners.
As I search for my life partner, I would also like to express my feelings and longings to him with an sincere hope that he is going to read these words.These letters are directed to a fictitious character. This is a projection of my imagination. I am visualizing a future time in my life when I would be writing such mails. If you find this spooky close the page now.
Obviously this person does not know I have been writing these letters to him. As I myself do not know this point of time who this person is. Right now he is in my imagination only. Hope to meet him soon in person. I use the word Prakash for this person. Prakash symbolizes light. Light gives hope.
Dear Prakash,
Today is the 26th of December, the day after Christmas. I hope you received the Christmas card I sent you. It’s a green color card with a golden heart figure in center. And it goes "Forever forever forever... yours". Did you like it?
I hope you did. I loved the dresses you sent for me, especially the pink top. Now that is the color I like most apart from blue and white. Also the fragrance of the perfume is lovely. I hope you did not spend a fortune on those gifts. But the best gift you could give me is to be with me. You know that. Don't you? I think you know how I long to be with you. And I guess you would want to be with me as well. You have mentioned this so many times. But still I will keep reminding you that the best present ever for me is your presence.
Nothing can be as wonderful as to hear your voice in person and not just on the telephone. I love your voice and when you whisper something in my ears, which make me nervous and excited both at the same time. So hope hearing from you soon.
Today is the 30th of December and I write these lines, there is this overwhelming blanket of loneliness over me. The day is gloomy and your absence makes it even worse. I can't wait to see you soon. Each day that passes by makes the wait even harder to bear and even harder to be still waiting. Hope you share the same sentiment as me.
How you go by in your world is not comprehensible to me. How you can go in this world and not return soon is beyond my imagination. As I write each line, my heart pours and oozes love from each pore of my body. And I sincerely believe that these emotions will reach you. They will surround you, envelope you and give these heart felt messages of love affection and eternal bonds. You cannot be far away from me right now. No barrier, no mountain, no seas can hold you away from me. As my emotions run so powerfully across the entire universe that it’s very natural, obvious and destined to reach you. And you are going to respond to me soon.
This is 10th of January 2005. A friend told me that in case I have not received my present, I should assume its being wrapped for me. So I take his words for granted and am assuming that my present is in the process of being delivered to me. You can see the smile on my face. My face lights up with an anticipation of our future together. Hmm and now I have a "Hugs and kisses" heart shaped pillow for you. Also there are some stuffed toys. These are gifts I brought for myself and you for this Valentine's Day.
Hey!!! Prakash. So what you like to do apart from your work I meant? Love to drive or watch football or movies. Do you play a game may be tennis or some other game. I am just planning our first dates so was checking your interests. May be we can travel to mountains where the hilltops meet the sky and in the moon light the stars seem hanging right on top of your heads like lamps lit on a Diwali day. Have you been to a place where the sky is so clear that you can actually see each cloud, each star and the air so pure that you can smell the pine trees just walking past by? The only sound you hear is of your foot steps, the happy chirping of birds as they find food for them selves and their tiny tots and while they build their dainty nests. The serenity of the surroundings never disturbed over the years and the crystal clear water flowing making the sweet gurgling noises. The water as clear as one could see the tiniest pebbles in the bed of the river. May be we can live in the tent and awake to the waking calls of the birds when they leave home to get food for the next day. When we open our eyes we see the sun shines like a million candles lit up those give us that silky and likeable warmth. Even a day in such place would seem like being in heaven for year and of course we will have each other for company. That will be the icing on the cake for sure. Hope you like the date. Waiting for you
Lovingly,
Anu
Chapter Seven: Companionship - the need to love and be loved
Human beings are made to face many situations. I for instance have witnessed many instances which brought me to tears, other brought smiles and cheerfulness. Yet another moments made me see the emotional and caring nature of a person and thanks to many friends and relatives, I saw the vulnerable side of their persona. I am beginning to realize that life is but a journey of emotions and emotions are shared with fellow humans. I just cannot stay in a fortress of human dignity and self-righteousness and call myself emotional when I do not share even a little bit with another human being. Intimacy is gift of god and available in abundance to each one of us including me. Why on earth do I will I am all alone and have to live all the years in solitude when there are genuine people around me willing to hold my hand and share my this their treasure of love and care with me. Being intimate with a partner is a gift anyone can have and at anytime. It’s just the way I look at other people needs to change. I need to see that the guy holding my hand is another human in this world wanting to be loved and to very willing to give love.
So why is that I am scared of making decisions based on certain facts that are part of my value system. Yes I was told that a guy will be chosen by my parents and I will be married to him and he will be my love for my life. That has not happened I guess because I never let anyone give me love. I thought I was too low a human being to be loved. I have felt how a guy can love me. But it seems I am wrong. An existence of a guy who can be life partner can be as natural as the morning sunshine, the dew drops on the bright green spring leaves or the singing of the morning birds or the gurgling noise of the flowing water. Love and care is intrinsic quality of human beings and is neither learnt nor forgotten while living life. It is part of life. Loving and being loved is part of life itself. It’s the nature of human being. We humans do not exist without that quality. And I have all the qualities within me that I can love a man and be loved by him un-conditionally. This is the truth and I have to accept that I am capable of being loved and loving another human being. Love and intimacy are part of me. They are not superficial things that I need to acquire or learn from someone. I know love on my own and I am a loving creature. I am lovable and a perfect lover. This is dawning to me like a sunrise. And no one can stop a rising sun. So I am out there in the world from this moment knowing that I am a loving person, capable of loving a guy with my heart and soul and being loved likewise.
I am so clear about what I want from my life. As any other person I want to be happy in my life. I want to be a loving person and being loved and surrounded by happy family members. So the core of my desires is me and my loved ones. I have kind parents and a loving brother and sister and yet I feel incomplete. I feel lonely and not so happy because primarily the loving and the loved part are missing. He is the important link. Why I have not met him? Or the right question is why don’t I see a loving person in the guy I meet? I need to encourage my mind to be receptive to positive emotions like love, hope, faith, sympathy, optimism and loyalty. Once these emotions take complete command of my mind, automatically I will be able to respond positively to every situation. I will be able to see the genuine, kind and loving person in the guy I meet.
So may be I need to make effort to meet my life partner and not passively wait for a guy to show up. The person whom I can share my life with will emerge from my life, my life events, my surroundings and my attitude. He is there somewhere waiting to hear from me. And I am busy brooding alone. I need to take the initiative in finding him out. I have to go all out meet many people and try to find him. Perhaps he too has been waiting for long like me and is as eager as I am at this moment. Hey, Prakash so when do we meet. I am so ready to meet you now, this time, this moment!!!
Can some one see the tears of joy rolling down my cheeks at this moment? These droplets are priceless. So hey world, I am here and I am so ready to meet my love partner. Dear I am waiting for you as ever. Remembering you fondly. Let’s meet soon.
So why is that I am scared of making decisions based on certain facts that are part of my value system. Yes I was told that a guy will be chosen by my parents and I will be married to him and he will be my love for my life. That has not happened I guess because I never let anyone give me love. I thought I was too low a human being to be loved. I have felt how a guy can love me. But it seems I am wrong. An existence of a guy who can be life partner can be as natural as the morning sunshine, the dew drops on the bright green spring leaves or the singing of the morning birds or the gurgling noise of the flowing water. Love and care is intrinsic quality of human beings and is neither learnt nor forgotten while living life. It is part of life. Loving and being loved is part of life itself. It’s the nature of human being. We humans do not exist without that quality. And I have all the qualities within me that I can love a man and be loved by him un-conditionally. This is the truth and I have to accept that I am capable of being loved and loving another human being. Love and intimacy are part of me. They are not superficial things that I need to acquire or learn from someone. I know love on my own and I am a loving creature. I am lovable and a perfect lover. This is dawning to me like a sunrise. And no one can stop a rising sun. So I am out there in the world from this moment knowing that I am a loving person, capable of loving a guy with my heart and soul and being loved likewise.
I am so clear about what I want from my life. As any other person I want to be happy in my life. I want to be a loving person and being loved and surrounded by happy family members. So the core of my desires is me and my loved ones. I have kind parents and a loving brother and sister and yet I feel incomplete. I feel lonely and not so happy because primarily the loving and the loved part are missing. He is the important link. Why I have not met him? Or the right question is why don’t I see a loving person in the guy I meet? I need to encourage my mind to be receptive to positive emotions like love, hope, faith, sympathy, optimism and loyalty. Once these emotions take complete command of my mind, automatically I will be able to respond positively to every situation. I will be able to see the genuine, kind and loving person in the guy I meet.
So may be I need to make effort to meet my life partner and not passively wait for a guy to show up. The person whom I can share my life with will emerge from my life, my life events, my surroundings and my attitude. He is there somewhere waiting to hear from me. And I am busy brooding alone. I need to take the initiative in finding him out. I have to go all out meet many people and try to find him. Perhaps he too has been waiting for long like me and is as eager as I am at this moment. Hey, Prakash so when do we meet. I am so ready to meet you now, this time, this moment!!!
Can some one see the tears of joy rolling down my cheeks at this moment? These droplets are priceless. So hey world, I am here and I am so ready to meet my love partner. Dear I am waiting for you as ever. Remembering you fondly. Let’s meet soon.
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