Chapter Eight: Moving forward

I have been surrounded by question from my past, especially bitter sweet memories from my past. I keep remembering things from my past as if they happened just moments ago. But I wish to think ahead. Want to carve a new future for myself where I live life as it comes and not burden it with good or bad memories from my past. So I wrote a letter to Prakash.

Dear Prakash,
Yeah I know you don’t know me and have little clue that I have been thinking about you all the time. I don’t blame you. I had never told you that I like you so much. And the fact is that I did not realize this myself that I would care about you so much. When we actually met many years ago, I thought you were any other intelligent guy that I was meeting. But what happened after you left me was very different. Your face became the sole support system that I had. I would remember your smiling face in the morning, afternoon, night and in between them.

I was aware that you don’t know me that well so much as to even get a hint that you inspire me like no other thing in this world. That when I am tired, sad, hopeless and helpless I bring the images of your smiling face forth in my mind and that gives me the strength to go on with life. If ever you read this I am hoping that you don’t have a copyright to the images of your face. I have infringed on those rights, if they exist. Well hope that the laws devised by human brains do not take the heart and soul when they writing the rules.

How this happened? How did I get in this state of mind that glimpses of a face became so important to me? And believe me I write this in state of perfect mental health or so I believe. I guess it’s something that I seek in life and I found it in you in your behavior. I want to be an intelligent, disciplined person who can talk to other persons with confidence and yet have sense of humility and honesty. And I found all these in you while interacting may be for a few times that we met. Not this conclusion seems debatable considering that we met only a few times. And when we met, we did not speak to each other. And I don’t wish to waste much of my time thinking why I thought you possessed all the qualities that I yearn for. The fact for me is that I did think you were all that I thought a person should be. So there I was thinking about you all the years after you went separate ways.

Well yes I am sad it happened this way. I should have had the confidence to tell you that I really care about you at the time we met. But it did not happen. But I am happy as I could remember you all the time. And now it does not matter to you that someone remembers you like she met you yesterday. But I wish that you read these words sometime and know that your actions can inspire souls around you for so many years.

Love,
Anuradha


I write the letter so that I can take steps towards a new life where I seek affection, love inspiration from someone whom I can meet. I have to live in the real world and I can’t continue to hold memories from past however wonderful they might be. I look like a child who does not want to let go of the toys even after growing up. There is an appropriate time for each thing in our life. And I do not want to prolong any childhood memories or adolescent crushes so much so that they hold me from living the present life.

Well good bye memories from past. Hey I am not happy or sad to let them go. They are a part of me and will remain so. All I am trying to do is that I don’t get bound by them. The bonds are impeding my forward pace. I begin to doubt myself as I have failed in the past. So what I made mistakes so what if I was not very confident or so what if I made foolish decisions. I am not those mistakes. I don’t have to identify myself with those negatives from my past. Surely I have to highlight the good things in my past as well when I am thinking of the bitter moments. But the best will be not to think of myself in terms of my past and make decisions and be confident for my present and future. I am capable of making intelligent and better decisions that bring happiness to me and my dear ones. The hope for a happy future full of abundant happiness and health is there for me as it is for each one of us.