At office, I was being given small assignments and I was able to do them. The work was not very different from my previous office. I worked for the same company in New Delhi and they brought me here in the US office. But soon I was to realize that working here is very different ball game.
The company that I worked for specializes in developing software for clients who want packages to manage their benefits plans. For example, a large company has some retirement policies for their employees and requires a package to manage the data for a number of employees; the software developed my company helps in that area. The company was started by one individual. He is an actuary himself. He had an idea that software could be developed which did these calculations and so those calculation need not be done by hand.
Though the original idea came from the founder of the company, many developers have contributed to the software. One can say this is a small private company doing a niche job. There are mainly three categories of personals in the company, the actuaries, the developers, and personals that support the clients. Actuarial science is like math but the calculations are mainly to find the retirement benefits for individuals. This is a specific science and required a person to do much calculation to come up with the benefits payable to employees at a certain age. Developers implement all these calculations and are responsible for the overall working of the entire software. The support group helps answer client questions and solve onsite problems.
I had to do my bit of work and also co-ordinate with my Indian colleagues. The India office sent in modules and I was supposed to test and show it here to my boss. One such module came in from India office. I put in the files and showed it to my boss. My boss is a grey haired, bald elderly gentleman. He has lots of working experience of the issues that my company deals with. I can also say that he is intelligent and has a good memory about the problem we had faced and the possible solutions. People skills and patience are not his strong points. So after I showed this particular module from our India office and he had time to test it a bit, he became furious. I later found that he had a very different expectation of what that module was supposed to be doing. But being short tempered he was not ready to listen to any explanations. He was so angry that the things were not working as he wanted that he starting talking very loudly and became so agitated that he turned red in face. And all the fury seemed to be directed on me. As I was supposed to mysteriously know what he expected. There was no documentation of what the developers were told and I had little idea of what was being delivered. That was my first brush with an old, impatient man. I was slowly learning how to present things to such a guy who was capable of erupting into volcanoes of temper. That has been the darkest day in my working career. And I work in this office so that a similar day doest not dawn again
From that day onwards I made sure that, I put more energy into making a paper trail of all the work that I was assigned. This is important as the bosses’ concerned need to know who was responsible for the slightest mistake made and that person was taken to task immediately. As a developer, I was spending more time documenting things than actually development. That is how it works in most offices.
Later while working I learned more things about working in a software firm of this nature. I had seen a lot of back stabbing among developers in India too. But in this office, due to job insecurity, competition from colleagues was huge. Software developers are not one big family wanting to work to bring up a good product. There is jealousy, hatred and the constant need to impress the boss that one is doing more and better than rest of the team. So talking and presenting your ideas is one big advantage for a developer. Development skills and knowledge of the work are secondary. Unfortunately this was my impression in this office. But I was dealing with this each minute with the stoic belief that my work will be noticed. I am not the talkative type. I can work and persevere with my efforts and those were the qualities I depended on during the first few months of my joining the new office.
Each day was a struggle for me to get out of bed. Try not remembering the office, cook some breakfast and get ready for another day. Sweet cereals available in the market are not my idea of breakfast. I would rather have a breakfast sandwich from Dunkin Doughnuts. When I finally for ready for office I would pray and think of the atmosphere I was about to enter be positive. With plenty of positive thinking that I could muster, I prayed with all my sincerity so that the work in office should not bog me down. I have realized that when one begins the day with prayers and hope, the hardship of yesterday diminishes. What stands then is a beautiful morning with new possibilities and lots of hope for better today and tomorrow.
Dealing with an impatient, intelligent boss and insecure, over eager to impress colleagues was not fun. I tried to find other opening to vent my feelings and get out of this vicious office atmosphere. Soon help came in or I must say I helped myself to escape the office. I was involved in a personal development educational organization back in Delhi. This organization has branches all over the world. They offer short courses where the participants reflect analyze and have dialogues with the person leading the course. Participants also discuss about their life, ambitions, desires, and insecurities. These discussions are often moderated and led by the leader of the course. This group level of participation helps all participants to see their life and relationships in very different light. I had left Delhi when I was still participating in one of the course. I was unable to complete that course while in Delhi. I felt I must complete the course.
I found out the address and phone number of their Philadelphia office. The manager at that office was very accommodating and helped me join and continue with the course. Traveling to the center city was one small hurdle for me. I did not know to drive at that time. I was riding to and fro to office with colleagues who stayed in the same apartment complex. So I was a bit spoilt in that area. But I could take a train to the center city and back. Sometimes my batch mates from the organization helped to get there and back from the class. All my batch mates supported me in traveling and in completing the course. In fact I felt very welcome from day one.
Having friendly, welcoming and supportive friends changed my perception of the world. In those initial days I was over whelmed by the new city, new culture and the negative office atmosphere. I related to this new place according to the experience I was having with few of my colleagues. So the entire city, the people appeared rude and unfriendly to me. I thought that one comes to USA to earn money so no one should expect any kind words. When my boss insulted me and was rude, I imagined that was the way it worked in USA. For me the world around me was filled with lots of tension, rude, cold and unfriendly people. I easily felt lonely and scared as I had no one to talk to after I left office. I have no friends or relative in this part of the world. I was like a little five-year old girl left to fend for my self in this cold, rude enemy territory. Occasional talk with Monica in the office came as a relief but the overall feeling was that of being lonely, helpless, not appreciated and being in a thankless job.
From the very first minute I attended the first session of the study group, these feelings diminished. I was happy to meet Barbara, Jennifer, Nancy, Bob and many others of my group members. Each person in the group was a source of inspiration. The link which is common between the members in the group is similar positions in their life. Normally each one going through their life is not reflecting, analyzing their life and looking each incident through a microscope. When one is in a transition from one phase to another then is time for such reflection. This study groups and this organization specializes in conducting such studies in human behavior. So I was in the right spot in the right time. Here I was in a very different culture up rooted from my familiar surrounding and environment. The group discussions, the one to one sessions and the entire study is meant to recognize the strengths of each person. I was realizing that I have many qualities and equal number of areas where I could work to improve my situation. The realization does not come easy. To accept the fact that they have something missing in an area of life, is a heart wrenching process But the very fact that I was doing this analysis and was working toward taking steps to improve my effectiveness kept me going through that grueling five-month period.
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